The Twisted

“I have something I need to tell you.” Her eyes shifted nervously. She sat up in bed unaware that her breasts were exposed.

Hopping on one foot he looked at her as he pulled on his pant leg, partly distracted by her bare chest. “What’s that?”

Downstairs a door slams

“What do you need to tell me?” Flattening out his belt before locking it on to place with the clasp. Nervous panic starting to flood through his system.

“I’m pregnant.”

John’s head perked up and he dropped his shirt to the floor with one boot on and the other half way. “You’re what?”

“Pregnant…” Michelle said her eyes shifting to the bed sheets.

“Michelle! Where are you.” A yell came from downstairs. Footsteps could be heard coming up the old steps that creaked with the mans weight.

“Not the best timing Michelle.”

“Well I’m sorry.” She said pouting. “But I love you.”

John’s expression was less then thrilled at that. “Fuck.” He thought to himself “Just my fucking luck.”

“Michelle! Are you in your room?” A knock came to the door.

“Father I’m not dressed, please give me a moment to make myself presentable.”

“I hear talking, there better not be someone in there with you. I raised no whore.”

John chuckled. If only her father knew how bad his little girl was. She made the prostitutes at the local brothel look like good church going women. Quickly John put his shirt om and grabbed his cloak sliding it on. “We will talk later.” John had no plans on returning to this girls bedside again. He was gone, dust in the wind. His next stop was a tavern to get a drink and then grab his horse and leave this dusty town behind.

“Father I am alone…I just bathed…please.”

Hard knocks came to the door that rattled the hinges.

“Father stop!”

“That’s it, he is in there isn’t he. That fucking asshole is going to answer to me! It better not be David’s retard of a son in there.”

John looked surprised at Michelle. “Who’s David?” John paused in thought. “Maybe it’s David’s kid?”

Michelle shook her head, at this moment the door burst inwards and there stood her father, all six two of him and 300 plus pounds. “You motherfucker!” His eyes met John’s.

“Actually daughter fucker would be more accurate.” John said with a smile. Reaching for his holster he then looked to the window thinking that would be his best bet to escape.

“You fucked my daughter John!” The father stepped in to the room and reached for his gun.

“Is that a question or a statement?” John looked down the barrel of the gun. “Hey…hey we’re all friends here… right?”

“You know how old she is? Friends don’t fuck friends daughters!”

John shrugged his shoulders. “Would it matter if she was older?”

Rick pulled his pistol and fired which sent John diving and Michelle screaming.

John managed to dive in the corner which offered some protection thanks to a dresser. But all Michelle’s father had to do was take two steps and he’d have a clear shot. John stared at the bullet holes in the wall, he didn’t miss by much. “Let’s just talk Rick.”

“Fuck talking.” Rick fired another few shots.

John started counting on his fingers. He wasn’t so good at math. John continued to count and noticed the closet door would open towards him and he could use it to get a bit more protection. Doing so he pinned himself in the corner. Door on one side, dresser on the other.

Another shot blew a hole right through the door just missing John’s head. “That was six right?” John said to himself. Shortly he had silently agreed with himself that six shots had been fired pushed the door closed and walked towards Rick who was focused on loading his revolver.

John reached out with his hands and grabbed the sides of Ricks head snapping it quickly to the left. There was a quick bone chilling crack then Rick’s body fell to the ground like a sack of potatoes.

John took a deep breath and sighed. “Well fuck.” He looked around for Michelle but she was no where to be found. John walked around the bed and saw Michelle laying on the floor tits to ground, ass up, one leg bent and leaning against the bed the other stretched out. John cocked his head and saw a pool of blood under her body. He didn’t know if he should laugh, cry, or just run. Rick in his madness had accidently shot his daughter but missed him.

“Ain’t that something.” John gathered his things and slowly walked out the front door with a whistle.

The End.

$7.50 Beer Night

“Roy it wasn’t that bad, you did good. You got a few laughs.”
I gave Derek a sarcastic stare my show was the exact opposite of good. Derek and I had been best friends since grade five. Right now I didn’t need my best friend what I needed was a break. I couldn’t go back to my job on Monday, the very thought of going back to Coffee-N-Go serving those over privileged, skinny jean wearing, metrosexual, make up wearing, wannabe’s that were born to trust funds just ticked me off. And after tonight’s failure seeing them would pull that wound open and pour salt on it. “A few laughs, I need more then a few laughs. Damn it Derek I’m going to be the first act for the rest of my life with just a few laughs. You know what maybe I’ll get an arena gig with just a few laughs. Maybe that cute blond in the front row would get with me with just a few laughs.” This conversation was not helping me. Hell I was not helping myself with all this sarcastic bull shit.
“Look, dude I know you’re upset. I thought it was funny and I’m sure a few other people did. How about we go get a few drinks hit on a few girls and tomorrow we’ll work on your stand up for your next gig?”
“Derek you weren’t on stage when that drunk started to laugh, everyone looked around for the one guy laughing at my jokes, it was embarrassing.“ From deep down a heavy sight escaped, like a wave crashing before the calm. “I have a gig next Saturday but I think I’m going to cancel.” I shook my head. “Hit on girls? What so they can turn me down and I can embarrass myself again? That will make me feel much better.” I said sarcastically.
“Don’t cancel, let’s go get a few drinks and think of tonight as a learning experience.”
“Everything is a bloody learning experience. My first time kissing a girl was a learning experience, my first time driving a car was a learning experience, my first time getting the crabs was a learning experience. I’m tired of putting nights like this behind me. For once Derek I want to walk out of a venue and have everyone waiting for me to sign autographs. To get that killer paycheck, that is what I need to have happen.”
“It will come.”
“I’m not so sure, I’ll be collecting social security before I’m funny.” With that Derek shut up and we walked in silence to the pub.

We made our way to Flanagans. A pub that served decent food and it wasn’t to far from where I lived. So after I was finished drowning my sorrows I could stumble my unfunny self home.
“Hey Roy, Derek, how’d tonight go?” I looked at Amanda, she was new to Flanagans but every time I was here she was. I considered it luck on my part, as she was easy on the eyes. After the night I had, any distraction would be appreciated.
“It went really good Amanda, how’s your night going?” I said.
“Good, the tips could be better. When is your next show?”
“Next Saturday, you should come. “ As soon as I said it I regretted it.
“Maybe I will, give me a joke. If I laugh I’ll come and the first round is on the house.”
“Sure, what the hell.” Derek and I looked at each other for a brief unsettling moment. It was to late now I had to go through with it, good or bad. “Okay Amanda. A little girl puts a quarter in to a gum machine, and a human tooth comes out. The little girl looks up at her mom and says Mommy I found where the tooth fairy lives.”
Amanda looked at me then to Derek, “It’s $7.50 beer night.”

Field Trip

“Kids do you have your permission slips?” Miss Ackorn said looking around at her students as they held the permission slips in the air. “Good, now hand them off to Andy, our operator for this trip and then take your seats. Make sure you fashion all safety harnesses.

The well behaved kids formed a single line and all walked into the time travelling school bus handing their signed permission slips to Andy as he scanned them in to the travel log. Once all the children were inside Andy stood at the front of the bus and looked back at the seated children.
“Okay here are the rules on this trip, you will always keep your arms and legs inside the bus at all times until we have arrived. Do not get separated from the group, if you do find yourself lost, please press your locator beacon that we have provided and a rescue team will be bought in to find you. The most important thing to remember is to listen to all instructions issued by your teacher Miss Ackorn and myself. Everybody understand?”
“Yes Andy!” The children said together.
“Good, any questions?” Andy asked but no hands went up.
“Good let’s get this show on the road!” Andy turned to take the controls of the bus as the kids cheered behind him. Every one excited for todays field trip.

With in seconds they had travelled back to the prehistoric period, the doors of the school bus opened and the children lined up to exit.
“Okay kids should a dinosaur show itself…” Before Miss Ackorn could finish a ginger haired kid ran past her and out in to the prehistoric forest.
“Ha-ha look at me, first one out!” Larry started to take giant steps and shorted his hands. “Look at me I’m a scary T-Rex, rarrrrr!” Larry looked back at the bus and noticed that all the kids stared at him with shock and terror on their faces, not the humor he expected. The school bus doors closed and Andy hit the emergency button. They return to 2164.

“Here you are sir, Larry, as good as new. We downloaded the latest memory back up and he should be up to date. But we must advise that you inform your child the safety of staying alive. Cloning technology can only do so much and this is the third time your child has perished on a field trip. You know that we cannot guarantee accuracy past the 4th generation. So do take care, your son is running out of second chances.”
“Yes of course, we will have a stern talking with Larry tonight.” Larry’s father flashed him a stern glare. “He will have a leash around his neck for the next little while.”
“Good day.” The Doctor said.
“Thank you Doc.”

The End.